It’s been almost 6 months, more or less, since Mr.Corona aka Covid19 has invaded our world and has bought it to a standstill. Our life has gone upside down and our 2020 plans down the drain. It has caused many businesses to shut down, unemployment in many countries is on the rise, economies are shattering, big brands shutting their physical stores and not to forget the toll it has taken on our mental health.
The weekend is over and it was not the kind of weekend I look forward to. In fact, the weekend is not the same anymore. All thanks to Mr.Corona of course. Every week there is at least one miserable day when I feel low, my day starts pretty much on a bad note and most often with a headache and deep down I knew that I won’t be myself today because I do not feel good about the day generally. Yesterday, I still haven’t realised that it was Saturday. I mean I knew it was Saturday but somehow it didn’t give me any weekend vibes until I saw something on Instagram hence the reason for this blog post.
My morning started off with a slight headache. I wasn’t feeling like getting up and getting on with the usual monotonous routine I call my life. But being a mom, I had to put aside these feelings and have to get ready for the day before my son wakes up. So I gathered my energy and got up. By evening, I was feeling extremely fussy and have reached the point where anger can be easily triggered. I was having sudden and repetitive memory flashes of the days I use to have before COVID-19. And to top it all, when you know that there are no restrictions in place and you are free to move around but you can’t, you feel helpless and anxiety starts to creep into your body.
I miss going on a long drive, breathing in the fresh air, strolling along the beach on weekends. I miss dining out. I so terribly miss those days because it was the weekend and I was feeling alone.
Well, actually I didn’t realise the real cause of my bad mood until I saw some of the posts and stories of my fellow bloggers on Instagram that reminded me ooh gosh it’s the weekend Saturday! It didn’t make me envy them but it made me realise how am I missing all that. That’s how sometimes social media takes a toll on your mental health.
I miss having my husband around but it’s his work that has put distance between us. And I am so fed up of this arrangement that some days I am just on the verge of a breakdown because I feel like I have had enough.
I don’t crave for socializing, I am that person who loves to stay at home but now and then our body needs to recharge. It requires a change in environment to freshen up and to lift up our mood. My husband moved to another place of work long before Covid19 hit our world. But it was still manageable because we could at least meet him every other weekend. Then corona happened and well you can pretty much guess…..trips became significantly fewer.
I no longer look forward to weekend nights because for me every day is just the same with the same old routine but at the same time, I crave for those days. I don’t feel like going out, but at the same time I crave for fresh air, I don’t feel like getting dressed up, but at the same time, I crave for putting on new clothes and makeup. My mind and heart are at conflict and I am stuck between the two.
I don’t know what’s happening. I have no clue whatsoever, what life has in store for me. And it further worsens when you realise that you don’t even know when this is going to end. We just don’t know right? It’s that uncertainty that makes me sad and I feel alone and helpless because there is absolutely nothing I can do except accepting this “new normal”.
I miss my hometown. I couldn’t plan my travel anytime soon and that further adds on to the anxiety. Yes, I know and understand that it’s for the betterment of everyone involved and travelling is not safe but till when? it’s not always easy to be happy at all times, no matter how much positive things or quotes you read all day. They are just not enough.
The only thing that I look forward to doing every day is to work on my blog. That’s it. And that’s maybe because it’s newfound interest. I don’t know. But at least there is something to look forward to.
I know I know it’s a really sad post update but that’s exactly how I am feeling and obviously I cannot show up with a happy face when I am not feeling content myself. I thought maybe penning down my raw feelings might help me to sleep better at night.